Joshua, Jessica and Jadelyn: August 2011

All I can say is... What a ride I have been on, and so happy it is OVER!!! I'm excited to write about this experience, it is very personal to me but I want to record it somewhere. So here it goes. I graduated from the University of Utah last May 2010, with a Bachelors of Science in Nursing. Nursing school was awesome, I absolutely loved it because I loved learning about things I was actually interested in for once not statistics, english etc. On the other hand it was very challenging, surprising at times and one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. The clinical hours and never ending homework, physically and mentally challenged me. I felt so proud of myself for actually getting accepted the first time at the U of U, getting through school (some people did get kicked out for grades etc.) and graduating with a 3.85! I felt totally on top of the world at graduation and felt like one of the luckiest girls in the world. I was even considering a master NP program at some point...

After graduation, it was time to study for the big, talked about NCLEX-National Council Licensure Examination, AKA Nursing Boards. I felt a little nervous, but had taken a couple predictor tests that showed I would probably do fine. I borrowed a book to help you prepare for it and even made a schedule of the things to study each day. I wasn't too worried and spent a lot of time studying, hours a day. When I study and am focused on school, sometimes it tends to run my life. If I'm with family, I seem to be sort of rushed and in a hurry to get there and get out so I can get back to studying. With friends, they always seemed to be last resort and they probably considered me not their first priority either because they weren't mine. Nothing on purpose of course, but I was just focused on this test! I scheduled the big day for July and the closer it got a little more nervous I got. I got engaged a few weeks earlier on June 17, 2010...And so I knew that I needed to pass the test because I wouldn't be able to take it again before I started heavy into wedding planning and getting married! I ended up taking the test the same day as a dear friend of mine. I didn't get nervous til I walked in the testing center and felt the quiet concentrated atmosphere. The test, to say the least was overwhelming. I didn't know how I was doing and there were even a couple questions I didn't know, hadn't even heard of the words!!! I freaked out a couple of times but just kept going. I ended up getting about 116? questions- about 4 hours later I was done. I left the testing center crying, feeling like I really wasn't sure I passed, hoping still however, but in my gut I knew. I told family and friends that I really wasn't sure how I did. I was a huge bummer. The test surprised me, my feelings surprised me. Everyone told me I would do fine, but I knew. I found out on a Sunday that I didn't pass. Joshua, now my fiance came to pick me up from church and I just bauled. I could not believe what happened, I could not believe I was a failure, I could not believe that I would have to sit in that testing center AGAIN. I was scared and so sad. I cried almost the whole time in sacrament, even left one time just to go to the bathroom and cry. Sad day. One of the lowest points in my life. My results showed that I didn't do terrible, but was slightly below passing.

My confidence took a BIG hit that day. Never had I had this experience, I had always done fine in school, got A's and B's and finished with a high GPA. What is wrong with me!? I was sad deep down but knew I had a wedding to plan and a fiance to love and support. The wedding went amazing and the honeymoon was exactly what I needed. To leave with my love, get away from reality. One of the highest points of my life. After being home I thought about taking the test again, but decided I needed to give focus to being a newly wed and making life great.

In December, I decided to sign up again after some procrastination. I was just so scared. I forced myself to sign up knowing that it would make me be more serious about it. I had borrowed a second book from another friend, this time about how to actually answer NCLEX questions instead of just nursing and medical information. I couldn't sleep the night before. I was exhausted but so stressed and nervous about the test. I had to wake up at 6:45am again like the first time, to get to the testing center by 7:30am, and test at 8:00am. I was tired, nervous, just felt really off. I had prayed hard, Josh and I even went to the temple the night before and I felt like Heavenly Father would help me. During the test I tried to stay calm but nerves were high and when I came to an answer I didn't know I freaked. Needless to say, I felt better than the first time, but still wasn't sure. I tried not to talk to people about it, afraid to let myself, family and friends down, again. When I found out, I was absolutely devastated. I hadn't passed a second time.

To say that I've had confidence issues the past year would be an understatement. The thing that I had worked my butt off for, for the past 4 years was not happening. I felt lost, confused, lonely, not good enough, even questioned my career choice for a second. More tears were shed than probably in my whole life. I just couldn't get over the fact that I had failed. It wasn't easy on me, and Joshua also felt the effects from living with me in this hard time. Bless his soul. One of the hardest things at this time was seeing so many others around me, moving on, progressing, accomplishing great things. I didn't feel like this was me, us. I felt stuck, stagnant and like I had done something really wrong to deserve this. I was angry, bitter and didn't care to take joy in others happiness. I had gotten a part time job at Downeast Home, my old job just to bring in some mulah. I would even see classmates come in...too embarrassed to talk I would remain busy. Truly the most humiliating experience. This humbled me more than ever.

The miracles and blessings began to happen when I opened myself up to talking to others about this huge trial I was going through. Josh and I happened to move into a ward with TONS of nurses. Probably about 10 just in the ward, which is a ton I think. When people asked me what I was doing, I just told them I had graduated and was preparing to take my boards. Three women, nurses in particular stood out in this experience. They were all there to be my Angels. I told them I hadn't passed and they always gave me encouragement to keep going. One of them told me her personal story of waiting 6- SIX years to get into the nursing program at BYU. She told me she just wanted it so badly, had perfect grades and after giving up a couple of times, her resolve was stronger. She finally got in. She told me how she has always worked as a nurse since then, even with kids. It was too important to her to give up, something she had worked so hard for and had been blessed with. She no longer took it for granted. There was also a woman who came into work. I honestly don't know why but something she said told me she was a nurse. I told her my story and bless her heart, she was so kind. She told me to not give up that it will happen. She even gave me her number to call her when I had passed or if I wanted to talk.

There were countless others who have truly been Angels in one of the darkest times in my life. They never gave up on me, and more importantly shared their own, personal heart wrenching stories of failure and heart break. You will never know how much this meant to me. I'm trying not to cry even as I write this. Thank you for your humility and thoughtfulness. For going out to lunches and being true friends.

I realized throughout this that I wasn't in fact that only one who had experienced this, which made me feel so less like a failure (i hate that word!). I also couldn't believe that others had done this, it was just so hard. Once I heard a story that a lady took it 5 times.

For a couple months I thought about what to do and had heard about some review classes. I decided to sign up for the Hurst Review and Westminster. Its a week long, they give you a study manual and they give you a guarantee or money back basically. THIS helped me SO much! I felt clear, I felt smart again, I felt like I could do this. I found out that Westminster students are required to take the course. While the U of U had it completely optional and only a handful of students took a similar one. Being a little disappointed in the U of U and how they prepared me to take the test is how I felt. I honestly didn't feel like they did that good of a job. My friend Jillian, who was a huge support to me throughout this also lived through this and went to the U of U as well. She is incredibly smart, diligent and no one would even guess that she has been through this, not even me!

I took the course 1 and 1/2 times just to learn all I could and feel more confident than ever. And I did. I studied more drugs than before, and studied the manual like it was by BF. I decided to sign up again this summer and before the test I treated myself to a massage and was even given some peppermint oil to help relax my nerves. I signed up for a later test time also, at 11am, knowing that if I didn't get too much sleep the night before I could take a nap in the morning. Well, I slept well that night, even woke up and studied before leaving the house. Prayed. The test went better than ever. I actually felt like I could apply myself and my knowledge to the questions. The questions I had were things I'd studied and 3 white boards and 75 questions later I was FINISHED. I almost burst out crying but didn't want to freak out the testing center dude, so tried to hold it in. The most amazing thing about getting 75 questions is that it is the least amount possible. It took me about 2 and 1/2 hours. And I literally took my time with every question, knowing that if I got the full 265, I would not have enough time to finish. I prayed hard that the test would end, and it did. It could either mean two things, that I was way above passing, or way below.

I felt really good about it. My family and Josh's family had both fasted the Sunday before, as well as a lot of people were praying and sending positive energy my way. I truly felt all of this support and Angels during the test. I was very nervous to find out the outcome. And almost had my friend look up the result for me not knowing if I could do it ( I had Josh look the second time, he hated it). Before Josh got home that day, about 4 days after the test, I said a prayer to let me have the strength to look at it myself. During the prayer, I said... Let me know that that results of this test have happened through faith...without even thinking about it, it was like someone had put those words in my mouth. I got an overwhelming feeling that I had passed and that I should go and look. The word PASS has never looked more amazing to me!!! I felt this amazing proud, humble moment as I sat and cried and thanked Heavenly Father... I texted Josh and told him to hurry home...And when he did I ran and hugged him with the good news. One of the BEST feelings I have ever felt. I told family and friends and received the best witness that because of faith and prayers and hard work that I had passed.

Some things I have learned through this:

Its crazy that a piece of paper (license) can change your life/future
Life happens on the Lords time table
NCLEX was crazy challenging... but passable
Dreams do happen
Positive affirmations on sticky notes are my best friend
There are people that have been through and can learn from your trials, even huge ones
Don't give up
Sometimes life just sucks and it takes hard work to continue and to overcome the negative feelings
I will not take my degree for granted like many people do
My path and goals are different now versus if I would have passed last year
Heavenly Father is real and faith is real
I am so excited to be a Registered Nurse

I already have a job lined up which I am so excited about and can't wait to do and create what I have been dreaming of...
So, presenting my new signature, Jessica Pace RN!

" I would have been here sooner if not for a wonderful caring nurse in the hospital"

Joshua, Jessica and Jadelyn

"Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship."

Thursday, August 25, 2011

SuMmEr....

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

My new signature